October 31st is a day that everyone remembers. It is Halloween night and for us the anniversary of some friends who got married six weeks before we did. October 31st will also be significant for me and my other-half. It was the day that we were told my husband has a chronic, life- limiting condition of his heart.
For privacy, namely his, I don’t want to dwell on the specifics here. The purpose of this blog is to share with you my feelings about being told that information. Already I have changed in my attitudes and opinions and to summarise I have simply made a list:
1) I regret not having enough fun in our marriage, a life all too serious and with little play.
2) The wishing that we had not argued and fought over money quite like we did.
3) The fact that the garden, a big plan of ours was never fully actualised because too many other things got in the way. The apathy and tiredness of life and sometimes the relationship meant the weeds just grew.
4) We never had a decent honeymoon, four days in rainy York in February.
5) The putting off for tomorrow, always jam tomorrow never today.
6) A wish that I could have persuaded him to change the job before it changed him.
I could go on and on but now I want to share with you what I feel now in a positive way:
1) It doesn’t matter that the work coat still needs to go into the washer as I return to work.
2) The fact that the carpets didn’t get cleaned, yet again today, because we went out and enjoyed ourselves.
3) When I saw my husband still chatting to the neighbour after a lengthy time, it didn’t matter because he was doing what was meaningful to him at that moment.
4) How I spent some time playing a game and taking pictures of the dog being dressed up and how we howled with laughter, never minding that it was bedtime.
5) How soft a kiss is and a hug from someone who hasn’t always been kind but somehow, now life may be shorter, is beginning to appreciate what he has.
6) A decision to not be bothered or annoyed about the £10 extra phone bill I have incurred.
7) The fact that life is to be spent each day, as it comes, and not to think of the long haul.
8) To continue saving some long-term money.
9) To plan possibly a early retirement for my husband now.
10) To think more before I speak and not be too harsh.
11) To forgive past mistakes but to still hold people to account.
12) To definetely sort out some kind of break for just the two of us, somehow without our child.
Again I could go on.
The regrets for the future:
1) That we probably won’t see a retirement together.
2) The fact that a Silver wedding anniversary may not be seen in.
3) A big choker for me: Possibly not seeing my daughter being given away upon marriage by her father.
What have we decided to do now:
Well, once we have got all the diagnosis in stone and the treatment sorted out, we are not going to live with it like a mill stone round our necks. We both own this and share it, even though one of us is the sick one. We all know death is inevitable, it just means that now health is not taken for granted any more. I am not going to wrap him in cotton wool, he would hate me to do that and has already told me so. In fact, what ever, within reason he wants to go for, he should be allowed that opportunity, all things and other people considered. We have decided too that it won’t be mentioned, unless it has to be, we are not going into victim/sick mode.
Perhaps, this may be the beginning and not the start of the end. To be told yes, that this health news may not be what we expected was a huge shock, but then to live with a new different frame of mind might be just what the doctor ordered.
We will keep you posted with developments.