Posted in Change, families, God, Health, Home, Liberation, Modern society, Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationships, Religion, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

The 29th August.

A rather frightening and sobering thought occurred to me late yesterday evening. It was the 29th August, a date that will always stick in my memory, etched into my being for as long as I dwell upon this earth.

On August 29th 1984, I met and walked into a relationship that was to have the most apocalyptic consequences.

On August 29th 1987, I married into that terrible relationship for all sorts of insane and nonsensical reasons, that even now I can not begin to understand, WHY I was prepared to sacrifice myself to a life that only became more and more of a nightmare with each passing day.

On May 6th 1991, I left that relationship quietly, like a “normal day” as if anything then about my life could ever be considered normal. Taken to work with me was an apple, underwear and a toothbrush, knowing I was probably going to be homeless that night; knowing I was leaving that nightmare forever. It was very calm, no hint of anything wrong to raise or alert suspicion that I was leaving. It felt like the great escape. I remember turning to look at the back of the house, as I backed out of the drive in my car, and with a deep breath knew nothing was going to be the same again. My stomach turned over and hy heart missed a beat: Can still feel it now.

 I knew my christian evangelical church would try and drive me back, divorce was never an option I thought only death. The problem was I could not kill myself either, something that had crossed my mind, because sucide was a sin and an automatic exclusion from heaven. I had asked God on several ocassions to just let me die but the problem was I just kept being alive and he wasn’t answering my prayers. I asked God to take my husband from me, then feeling so wickard about my feelings, but God wasn’t doing that either. I knew my family would be shocked and hoping me not to cause them worry and agro, that I would just return and carry on, so I was no bother to anyone. But I could not let my life go this way at just age 27. It had to be different. I changed my course of history, of destiny and my life took a different journey.

Yesterday, I realised that if I had stayed I would have been married to a nightmare for 21 yrs. Then it hit me. I had spared myself 17 yrs of that situation. What would have become of me if I had stayed? Well, probably death or insanity. Either that or I could have killed him, in a shere freezy of mental torture and I would now be in prison doing time for manslaughter on grounds of diminshed responsibility or tried for murder. I do understand how this can happen. I really, really do mean that. My career would have long since gone, it was close to collapse as it was when I left. My health would be in pieces, it was all but in pieces anyway then. My nerves long since gone, they were already shattered. No children and an old face. A hatred of God, that would have been certain. A bitter twisted piece of humanity, that fact is also certain. That day when I left was certainly the best days work I will ever do in my life. The prospect of that life being real is something that haunts me, to a point, even now and send shivers down my spine thinking about it.

I had a lucky escape. My life has not been without its problems since, and my second marriage has certainly faced many low points. BUT I do have a normal life, a child and a family. I have my health and strength, a career I love and now with family growing up starting to really take off again. I am two modules away from a higher education Diploma qualification and working towards a degree. I take pictures, write, have my blog and walk in peace and quiet. I am not a prisoner in my own home. I no longer take on a carer’s role which was all I did in my first marriage. In many ways my life is just normal, like many others facing ups and downs. I have things to hope and to look foreword to and to worry about. My christian faith is all but dust, though I cling onto it in the hope that it still may be relevant and true.

The 29th August, once again has come and gone and I am still here, in one piece and for that I am thankful. I saved myself from a terrible and dreadful life, that would never have got any better. I am the lucky one. For anyone facing a similar situation, I would say one thing. Whether you believe in a heaven or a hell, one thing is for certain. You have only one life on this earth and only one. Don’t look back and wish the clock could be turned back because it can’t. Only you can walk away as I did then and change the way the time goes, as the clock of life ticks on.

Leaving a relationship can be the hardest thing, the bravest thing but the best thing you can do for your life. It certainly was in my case. I have not an atom of shame or regret, only relieve in my heart.

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Author:

Committed to the education of children and the health and human rights of women and mankind. I also enjoy taking photographs and sometimes I write poetry.

6 thoughts on “The 29th August.

  1. As someone who knows from his own experience (both personal and professional) that humans often struggle and fail to find courage to do what they want, I know and appreciate how hard it must have been for you to leave the toxic and hopeless relationship that you did.

    I am pleased that you have found a better place.

  2. Thanks it was only for the religious reasons that I found it so hard to leave. He was the only person who I have walked away from and also one I have never missed for one second.
    I think that is the real sad bit.
    It has taken me many years to see anything remotely positive to say about the relationship. There simply was nothing positive, only in the first few months, before his mental breakdown happened. After that it was down hill all the way and the brainwashing of the church mixed with the guilt trip that leaving him was never an option, as you know, just kept me in there with him to virtual destruction. I still feel very angry with the church, especially as we did have crisis talks prior to marriage when my working sensible brain was then telling me to get out then. I wish I did. Hey, it’s all history though.
    Fortunately for him, in time a stronger mother figure came through for him and I understand to this date he does have another relationship and hopefully life is more stable. I do hope so for him.

  3. I read this a few days ago and couldn’t think what to say. It struck a chord with me in many ways. Not because it is similar to anything that has happened to me (although your marriage date was eerily similar to mine!) but I suppose because I am not sure I would have had the strength to have done what you did. I suspect i would have just let it destroy me. It’s so hard to leave something when it feels easier to stay.

    The religious angle is hard for me to grasp but I suppose in a way it is similar to the pressure I felt from my parents/society at large to stick to heterosexual relationships even though I knew they were not what I wanted. But it’s not the same – not the same at all.

    I don’t know what it was about this piece, but there was a power in it which put me straight into your shoes and made me wonder what I would have done and I came away feeling rather disappointed because I suspect I might have done very little.

    Great writing. I am glad you did break free and find happiness.

  4. Your comments mean a lot to me and thanks. I am glad that you felt it powerful and that is in itself comforting. I suffered much mental torture over the years I was in this relationship and can’t believe a situation could ever be as be as bad as this was. My husband suffered a terrible breakdown which left his brain a monster to everyone. He had complusive disorder, anxiety and depression. The help was zero, pyschiatrist all but useless. There was nothing and no-one, only the church. Sometimes he was simply so bad all I could do was scoop him up, put in a car and get him to someone who would pray over him. They were desperate, desperate times. I was a qualified nurse then and the pressure of working in a stressed out NHS and going home to insanity drove me to a near breakdown myself. Only God knows what we both suffered. I really thought it was better if he had died.
    Anyway, thanks. I can really see how hard it must have been for you to come true with your own relationships and I admire your own courage immensley. I hope you are happy in your own parnership now.
    My very best wishes to you.

  5. Perry Stone is in dit opzicht een stuk voorzichter met het vaststellen van datums en tijdlijnen. Waar hij de mensen vooral van wil overtuigen is het feit dat de Opname echt voor de 7-jarige Verdrukking (pre-trib) zal plaatsvinden. In zijn lezingen in St.Louis presenteerde hij een nauwgezete uiteenzetting van de 7 zegels en 7 bazuinen uit het Bijbelboek Openbaring, dat hoofdzakelijk gaat over de laatste fase van de eindtijd en de letterlijke komst van het Koninkrijk van God op Aarde.

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